Lion and Magic Boy

The theme of last night’s New Moon was Re-evaluation. This cannot be more evident that within the context of my own life.

Michael is leaving me and moving back to Colorado. He has little money and few resources other than the goodwill of several friends who are willing to let him stay with them until he can manage a place of his own. That’s actually a lot, that goodwill, and it’s more than I have.

When he announced this yesterday morning during what could have become a heated argument about something or other, I felt……relief. There are so many issues wrapped up in all this that it’s difficult to sort them all through.

Michael hates it here in Pennsylvania. I do as well, but there’s something of a comfort in it for me in its familiarity. But it’s a completely foreign country for him. And his anger in being here has made its way into our interaction. Anger and remorse and grief. Those are not easy things to deal with on a constant basis. I know, because they are mine as well.

That’s not to say that everything was wonderful when we were in Colorado. The immense stress of the custody battle was exhausting for me, and although Michael attempted to help buoy me, it wasn’t enough for me and it was draining for him. In addition, there were other relational issues that burst through the veneer of physical attraction and mutual affection that simply could not be denied.

I knew from the start that it was a mistake to welcome Michael into my home and my life as quickly as I did. I knew I needed time to be myself, away finally from the grasp and control of The Ex, so as to sort out what things about myself I wished to keep and what I wished to discard. But I was drawn to Michael so emphatically that his siren call could not be ignored. I always told myself that I could deal with whatever it was that came up that required dealing with.

At first I was overjoyed that this man was so unlike The Ex. But as time went on I saw little thing after little thing that was in fact JUST LIKE The Ex. Don’t think this didn’t worry me, but I managed to pass it off as my own inability to see anyone without that lens of The Ex, rather than truly assigning Michael those qualities which, I have come to see, he really does possess. Sadly, or ironically, or maybe both, these qualities are also possessed by my father. So you can imagine what I’ve got to uncover to figure that one out.

Although I was ecstatic, drunk with the sudden freedom a year ago to be on my own, there was a part of me that still wished to be taken care of. I recount a several-year period, when I was between marriages and the single parent of my older daughter, that to me seemed to be the happiest of my lifetime thus far. I was independent, made my own decisions, and felt tremendous pride in my ability to function on my own. I seem to forget now how incredibly lonely I was, which is how I ended up in this 13-year odyssey with The Ex that has become, in its death throes, nothing but bitterness and conflict.

Welcome to life.

So I let Michael move in so that I could feel taken care of. A part of me was afraid, desperately afraid, that I wouldn’t be able to care for and nurture three children without financial and emotional support. Michael has actually been great in that department, if you don’t count the financial aspects, and it’s been so rewarding for the children to see a man, a father-type figure, who nurtures them and supports them and is affectionate with them, because they didn’t and don’t have that with The Ex. (On the other hand, it contributed in a very real way to us being dragged back here by the court, as the “expert” psychologists mistook the children’s anger at their father about his failings to be a real father to them and their anger at themselves at feeling duped all that time and finding out that their father wasn’t really such a nice guy after all, they took that anger and decided that it was me who had placed it there in an attempt to alienate them from their father when in fact it was his own behavior that created the alienation to begin with.)

So Michael couldn’t take care of me in the way I really wanted, since it is only myself who can fill that. And he felt his failing and was profoundly affected by it, eventually turning it around to attack me with it since he didn’t want to feel that it was a failure on his part. Which it wasn’t, not really.

But the resentment grew.

Oh what a tangled life we weave.

So I am envious, envious that Michael will be in the place I want to be, envious that he gets this opportunity to essentially start over.

And I’m frightened. I added up today what I think my monthly expenses might be, and for now, except for attorney’s fees, I can swing it okay, but the support amounts will drop precipitously, especially when the divorce is final.

Not that I want to exist on the support of ANYONE at this point, but here I am ten years out of the workforce, and what options are available to me? I cannot work a regular job with regular hours because the children are with me on an irregular basis, unless I find some way for them to be cared for when I cannot be there. And I’m not sure I want to do that to them, not at this point. There have been so many changes for them as it is. And Eric, what about Eric? He may have to attend preschool parttime beginning a month from now, and that so isn’t my wish for him, as I know it will take him into that box that everyone else sees as what he must fit into, but I may not have a choice, especially if it is decided by court order.

I keep holding the hope that SOMETHING will happen and that we can go back to Colorado one day in the not-too-distant future, unencumbered.

Until then, though, I’m on my own.

Be careful what you wish for, as it WILL come true, somehow, and not always in the way you expected.