INCIDENT #1: The other day I found myself at Target where I bought, among other things, a table very similar to this one. (Why can’t I find the same one that I bought? [shaking head] Must be from that parallel universe.) I purposely parked RIGHT NEXT to the shopping cart return corral (that word always cracked me up, when applied to shopping carts — round ‘em up!), so that I could offload my stuff into the car and stow Eric there too without having to worry about trundling the darn cart 4 miles back to the cart-place with Eric left wondering what happened to me and there he is, buckled into the car and all alone.
When I got to my car, I noticed that someone had left a cart right next to it, exactly one car-width away from the cart-return. [heavy sigh] I guess they just couldn’t manage to push the cart another whole eight feet more.
INCIDENT #2: Yesterday, it being Eric’s birthday, I naturally had a little shopping to do in preparation for the event. Our first stop was the grocery store, but on the way there he got sleepy and was asleep before we got there. Sensing that it would be his only opportunity for a nap that day, despite the fact that it wasn’t even 9 am, I decided to let him sleep awhile since I know what he’s like by, say, about 6 pm if there’s no nap. And any small boy that determined to sleep that early in the day should be allowed to.
Sleep seemed to be an awfully good idea to me at the time as well, since I’ve been spending my nights writing and refusing all offers of alcoholic beverages, and anytime I get behind the wheel of a car I’m instantly nodding off anyway, so I decided to give in to that urge despite the fact that the parking lot cameras were clearly trained on my car and my car only, ready to record for posterity the amusing sight of my head lolling about, a little drool escaping the corner of my mouth, as I sat upright yet asleep for nearly an hour.
When I awoke I was treated to the sight of an older couple returning to their vehicle with groceries, which they stashed in the trunk of their late-1970′s Cadillac (light blue). Then the wife-person pointedly ignored the cart-return corral about 3 spaces away and painstakingly wedged their cart between two concrete parking stops on the other side of their vehicle. Then they both got in the car simultaneously as if by some invisible cue (their brains are wired together, maybe? Is that what happens after 40 years of marriage? Then yay, chances are that I’ll never find out!), and I immediately thought of my Target experience and wished for karma. Before he could put the car in reverse, the shopping cart began rolling backward, turned slightly, made a three-point turn, and smashed into the Cadillac. Seemingly undeterred by this (I am guessing this happens often) and ignoring the damage to the car, the woman got out, wedged the cart into the space between two different concrete parking stops, and got back in.
INCIDENT #3: The next stop was Ollie’s, a discount store filled with, supposedly, items that were discontinued or something, overstocks, etc. About half the floor space was, ironically, taken up by books, mostly the “For Dummies” collection and religious children’s fare. This was my first visit to this hillbilly magnet, and I must say I was impressed. A whole aisle dedicated to Bible Covers! And the Gourmet Food section! Pringles and Vienna Sausages, yum!
My visit was capped off by the cashier who rang up my sale, a Walking Undead pasty-white-faced woman of indeterminate age who probably hasn’t ingested a vegetable other than the potato for at least 8 years, with dark circles under her eyes that you could plant rows of corn in, and who clearly loved her job and couldn’t wait to get out of bed each and every morning to get there. This was evidenced by her smooth customer-service skills, as she invited customers to her counter by screeching, “Whoever’s Next!”, and avoiding eye contact as if I was Medusa (do follow this link, because the woman looked REMARKABLY like the picture on the link page. Except for the snakes. I’m pretty sure her hair wasn’t snakes). I felt compelled, however, to thank HER when the transaction was complete, as if I was just the luckiest person in the world to be in that place of good feeling and plaid-flanneled clientele. Her response to my reaching out, projecting myself into her world to make contact with another human being? “Uh huh. Whoever’s NEXT!”"
INCIDENT #4: Eric’s had a really good time with his physical therapist lately playing with large workout ball and a hula hoop, so I headed up the road to a likely place to find them. I was faced with Hobson’s Choice: Wal-Mart, or K-Mart? Evil Empire, or Martha Stewart? Hmm. I rather like Martha since she went to jail, so K-Mart it was. In parking, I pulled up opposite a car that still contained a passenger, an older woman who had a rather severe black eye and a large bandage on her temple, sitting morosely and staring into space. I hope the SOB who did it enjoyed his trip to Big K. The car was gone when we got back.
K-Mart only sells hula hoops “in season”, by the way.
I had gotten in line to pay, what looked to be a short line, and then remembered that we probably needed diapers, so we got them and then returned. As I neared the checkout stand, a woman wearing a Muslim headscarf ran with her cart in order to get ahead of me. Unwilling to risk jihad and possibly spoil Eric’s birthday, I decided not to make an issue of it and went to another line, contenting myself with giving the woman evil glares from time to time and wishing for a cash register malfunction.
My line, however, was dismally slow because someone apparently couldn’t understand the terms of a coupon promotion and had to have it explained by six different people, and I stood there, knowing that Headscarf Woman was going to beat me out of K-Mart and therefore ruin my entire day. One of the cashiers did attempt to procure extra assistance and run another register, her arm underhang flapping wildly as she beckoned to the fat guy pushing in a line of shopping carts from the parking lot, but eventually Coupon Woman walked away unhappily and I could pay for my goods.
I kept glancing at Headscarf Woman, who saw my glances and correctly interpreted my meaning, knowing that this was a Race To The Death, but I decided finally to let go of my hostility and just sign the credit card slip. I couldn’t resist looking back, though, as I pushed Eric in his hula hoop-less cart out of the store, and saw that Headscarf Woman was still there, hopelessly enmired in what had to be a cash register malfunction.
INCIDENT #5: At yet another store today, when Serena and Eric and I got into our car again, I looked over to the right and saw a man sitting in his pickup truck, taking a large bite out of a block of orange cheese. We’re talking the 16 oz. size, and it was about half gone. He later took a swig from a gallon jug of water. WTF???
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