Flush with the heady success of yesterday’s 1.25 hour walk amid the geese of the Great White North, this morning I decided it was well past time to get back on my bicycle again. After all, it finally feels like spring and I can no longer use the excuse that worked all winter about it being “too cold” to ride.
After topping off the air in my tires, it felt good to get on the bike again, especially tricked out as I was, resplendant in an outfit that marks me immediately as a poseur. At least people know what they’re dealing with that way. Cars don’t get too close. Which is good.
Yay! I’m riding again! This feels good (hey, don’t you like how I changed tenses?)! Yep, that first 100 feet felt really good. Now my legs hurt. How long am I going to ride, an hour like I used to? Okay! Let’s go!
Hey, my legs still hurt. Ow.
Well, I’d better get some speed up to impress these construction guys in case they look at me. Because I’m going so slowly I might appear to be moving backward, and that might confuse them.
Okay! Now we’re rolling! This feels great! Bye, construction guys! Oh, they’re not looking, I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Geez, is the air getting thicker or something? Because it’s getting hard to breathe. Am I that out of shape? pant pant
Oh well, maybe it’ll be better away from these cars! That’s it, it must be the exhaust!
Oh, look at how the grass is all green now, how pretty!
Hey, wait a second — pant pant — I remember this feeling! Throat closing, hard to breathe, what is this?? I know, it’s that spring breathing thing, the pollen thing, the reason I got a treadmill to run indoors. Oh shit, it’s spring! And I’m breathing…..AIR!! [shudder]
HEY! LAWNMOWING GUY! STOP THAT! pant pant Can’t — breathe– the grass–
pedalpedalpedal
pant pant
Okay, past the lawn mowing guy, but what’s all that pink over there? Ohh, pretty trees, all blooming….NO!! Those are DEATH TREES, COVERED IN POLLEN!!
pedalpedal pant pant
Good. I’m past the trees. pantpant
On to the horses. No, not the bony, spavined, walking-distance horses, today I’ll ride past the Standardbred breeding farm. Yep, there they are, some of them, four yearlings still covered with their winter fuzziness. Aren’t they pretty? And, what’s that on that one horse? Hanging below it?
Oh. It’s a…
right.
pedalpedalpedalpastthehorsepenis
Yay, almost to the hill, the DOWN hill. Speed! Wind rushing past my ears, look, I’ve almost hit 20 mph (which sadly used to be about my average speed)!!
And here’s the UP hill again. Fuck the hill. I hate the hill.
pedal. pedal. pedal. pantpantpantpant
An hour? Are you crazy? No way. Time to turn around. NOW.
UP the hill. HATE the hill. DEATH to all hills.
pedal.
pedal.
pedal.
horsepenisdon’tlook
Death trees. Don’t breathe.
Oh, what’s that smell? Smells kind of good? Oh no, it’s someone’s dryer sheet, DON’T YOU KNOW THOSE ARE MADE OF POISONOUS PETROLEUM AND PREVENT ASTHMATIC BICYCLISTS FROM BREATHING??! Fine, but if I keel over now from your sheet of Bounce, my death is on YOUR HEAD!
Construction guys. Sit up a little straighter, suck it in, and pedal really fast so it looks like you’re moving faster!
Almost home. pantpantpant
Lie down and gasp futilely for seven minutes. I’ll breathe tomorrow, maybe.
Now — time to take a photo, obviously!
(Would it have hurt to have cracked a smile?)
[tags] cycling, gasping, breathing, pollen, lame, horse penis[/tags]
May 4th, 2007 at 8:27 am
A Poseur? Well, maybe……but NO! The clothes cut the wind (right?) so you don’t have to fight the wind AND the fucking hill at the same time!
BTW, you HAVE added an interesting new tag to your collection. Should add some interesting new visitors for your next “What Brings You Here?” blog…….
Ron
May 4th, 2007 at 8:35 am
There’s very little wind when you’re moving so slowly that there is a question as to whether you are actually standing still.
Ah, the tag. An experiment. I amuse myself!