Lion and Magic Boy

When I was in junior high or maybe high school I wrote a story called “Darkness Reigns”. I liked the play-on-words aspect of the title, but I’m pretty sure the story sucked.

Why that came to me just now I’m not quite sure. However. I was going to write about last Saturday, a day I pretty much just spent crying. Which is somewhat perplexing to children, which is why I’m glad I just remembered that they weren’t here that day. See? A day spent in a black hole. Fun!

I managed to scribble some thoughts down that day, thoughts that evolved into a sort of conversation, in my beloved Moleskine journal, a gift to myself that begins with its first entry on January 6, 2007: I choose joy. That was a pretty huge thought for me at the time and it was important to write it down so I’d remember it, so used to wallowing in my fears and shortcomings as I was. Choosing joy seemed like a logical, if not unattainable, step, but then something happened: hey, I found it! It was here all the time!

But it’s not like I live there, in joy.

You know, I say that, write it, and immediately I hear a conflicting message (hey, I’m a channel, after all; I have connections, dude):

If you think of Joy, like every other human emotion and every other State of Being, as a spectrum, and embrace the fullness, the totality, of that emotion or state, then yes, you do indeed AT ALL TIMES live in joy. The difference lies ONLY in your perception. if you choose to perceive Joy as a state that only allows goodness, or “positive” aspects, then you are denying a part of that state and in so doing deny a part of yourself. By embracing the totality of every state, you open yourself up for the receipt of its complete energy, and this in turn will provide your life with a richness you do not as yet experience. EVERYTHING has an entirety; it is up to you to find a way to see and embrace that entirety instead of relying on limitations.

So my crisis on Saturday had a lot to do with the template of The Mistress of Self-Deception that I’ve chosen in this life to employ. Actually, its name is Self-Deprecation, but deception surely is also an apt description. When I’m fully in this state, it affects EVERYTHING, like I’ve donned the Special Extra-Dark Glasses of Half-Emptiness with which to view everything. I’ve always alternately fought this and wallowed in it.

But you want to know what I wrote, don’t you? A peek inside my super-secret personal journal? That I’ve never shown to anyone? That until now no one even knew existed? Hell, yes!

Here we go, then: [edited somewhat, sorry]

***********

Impatience plays strongly here, along with self-dep. They frolic together: the unfairness!

Fears of missing out because I am not good enough. Irony? Maybe.

So I am asking for guidance here, asking for help in letting go of my fears. It comes to me as I write this that first I must face them, must walk right into them. Must name them. All right, then. I will.

1. I am afraid that people will look at me and find me lacking.

But I have been told, many times, that when someone looks at me they see perfection, perfection that includes all those fears. Just as I see them.

So what is causing me to doubt this? Why don’t I believe it? What more must I look at here?

Its not about extinguishing self-dep, banning it, but about acknowledging it and embracing it.

OK then.

2. I am afraid that I haven’t got anything of consequence on my own, that I must derive my self-worth through someone else’s eyes. Because I am afraid to find it on my own, afraid that I will look and there will be nothing. It’s easier to rely on someone’s else’s admittedly faulty view of you then to face what you might see, or not see, on your own.

[that was painful to state. many tears.]

I am afraid I can’t live up to my own impossibly high standards. They are set so high I will almost certainly fail, which means I can be afraid to try. Which means I can rely on someone else.

How do I heal this?

Walk through it and embrace it. it is a part of you, and as such it is just as beautiful and perfect as the parts of yourself you present to others.

Why not embrace your wholeness and show everyone else everything that is you? You have been operating as a shell of yourself long enough; don’t you want to show all of yourself to the world?

That way you could relax this ever-present attention you have to who and what you have crafted. Wouldn’t it be nice not to have to remember that all the time?

[more tears here, many of them]

But who am I?

You are everything you have ever thought or dreamed. You are larger than ever you thought possible.

I am afraid people won’t like me.

If you do everything with the thought of doing so to please someone else, you are not being true. And people will notice. And *that* they won’t like.

Be true and people will like you for your trueness.

***********

So I wrote that, channeled parts of it (the italics!), continued to wallow for a few hours, but by nighttime felt lighter. It all makes perfect sense to me, the words that came in response to my fears, but my natural inclination is to then DO something about it. Formulate a Plan! Implement the Plan! But I really don’t know where to go with it.

I’m going to rely instead on a notion I picked up many years ago. I believe that everything, of course, possesses an energy, maybe even a life, of its own. Everything. So you can be affected by the energy of, for instance, words. I came to this when I examined the books I was reading. They seemed to come in waves, themes, each one connected somehow to the one before and the one I read after it. I began to feel as if I was somehow being guided in my book choices, that I was obtaining an education of sorts. I really think I was. Am.

Taking this a step further, I believe, too, that sometimes, simply possessing a book can impart its energy to you. I used to buy all sorts of books on healing when I was on a spiritual quest some years back. I was searching and searching, gathering information and sifting through it, to eventually develop the spiritual beliefs and practice I use now (which is still, of course, an evolving creation). Often I’d read a chapter or two and then feel I was done with the book. I had gotten what I needed, and the rest was simply available through the book’s energy.

Either that or I’m too damned IMPATIENT to read an entire book.

Nah. it’s the other thing.

So, thinking about that, I’m thinking that it’s the energy in the act of writing, the act of reading over the words (and now I have reinforced them yet again by blogging them!) that will have the effect. I can simply relax a bit, then, and allow change to flow to and around and through and within me.

I’ll post an update at the end of the month.

***********

If you find wisdom for yourself in my journey, I’m delighted! Please post a comment here or a link to me, and feel free to share a link to me with anyone you think might benefit from the information. I certainly don’t pretend to have many of the answers, but I welcome anyone who is also searching, and I’m happy to be able to share the elements of my journey with all of you.

Also, as you can see from the conversational aspects of what I posted above, the channeling I do is a form of therapy. If you or anyone you know is interested in healing work, it’s very possible I can help, and I can gear sessions to the recipient (it’s not necessary to know about the spiritual system I work with, but an openness and a sense of self-awareness are very very helpful). LightSpring Transformations.