I’m still convinced that I have the power of invisibility.
It’s odd, really, that I should even wish invisibility, as there are so many times when part of me is screaming to be heard, to be seen.
The whole thing came up recently when I was doing some work for someone located half a world away and it became clear that they read Lion and Magic Boy. I don’t know why that should surprise me, after all it’s in my email signature and it’s a public venue and I know exactly how many people read me and even, if I care to look, where they live and all sorts of things about them, but surprised I was. Like, who would want to read about me?
And, in certain circles, I’m actually a bit of a celebrity! I know! And I have a website and everything! And my picture is posted places!
Perhaps I am confusing invisibility with anonymity.
But I have thought I was invisible in the past. Like when I’m out in public, buying things in stores; people all around me would be helped and I would be left standing there alone and unnoticed, holding my intended purchases. I rather think that kind of visibilty is about expanding your energy around you to an extent where people can’t help but notice, as other times when I have made a conscious effort to do that, people fall over themselves to wait on me.
Even when I was a kid, though, I’d walk down the street thinking no one could see me. I’m thinking now that it’s about smallness. I’d curl up deep inside myself and trust that other people would be focused on their own activities and lives to the extent that I’d be unnoticeable by comparison. Which would you notice more in your kitchen, a lion or a mouse?
It’s clear that I have conflicts about this. I want to be noticed and yet I want anonymity. And I’m pretty sure it’s hard to have both. Oh, some bloggers don’t give identifying information and use code names for people in their lives and there’s a whole spectrum there of anonymity, but for me it’s too late for that. Cat’s out of the bag already. Nor am I sure I want true anonymity. Oh, the conflict!
Besides, it’s not really about that. I think that exploring the inner conflicts, blocks, and fears I have about this will be more illuminating than simply choosing one side or another and likely will eventually lead to resolution. I can tell you already that this is more about fears than anything else, fears of being exposed and vulnerable. Yet I crave those aspects at the same time! How twisted is that?
Yesterday I read quite a naked post about honesty in blogging and about writing to an image. When I began blogging in earnest I did some thinking about what aspects of me I wanted to present to the public. It was almost like being told you could be anybody you wanted to be. Quite freeing! But as I write more I find that I obtain more inner satisfaction when I have been incredibly and sometimes painfully honest, exposing parts of myself and their accompanying thoughts that have remained hidden.
So, yes, this really is all about me, isn’t it? And don’t think I haven’t noticed the irony of working out my issues with invisibility in one of the more public forums I could choose to do it in.
September 6th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
I feel the same way – I want people to Look! At! ME!!!!! but I also want to hide and not be seen. I want my blog to be read, but I don’t want anyone to know who I really am, I don’t want people I know reading it. I want to be two different people, really -the social, bubbly, Paris Hilton version of me (if you will) and the reclusive, writerly, somebody else who’s so reclusive s/he is nameless version of me. Simultaneously. This is not working out so well, though – it’s hard to keep both going at once, when they are total opposites.
September 6th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
i’ll wager many struggle with this…
i feel i have my own version of it (tho’ i don’t blog).
it sounds like you’re pretty conscious and able to expand or contract your energy intentionally, yes?
that is always a handy skill to have when one sometimes wants attention and other times prefers to remain hidden and behind the scenes.
one thing i soemtimes feel confused about in the blogging world is:
what is this people often asking for comments?
and not liking “lurkers”?
but… i’m guessing… perhaps wrongly… that no one wants real, constant “commentary” and “reaction” and “advice”
(as i am sometimes tempted to give since i pick up waaay too much intuitive information about pretty much everybody and i always have this annoying urge to share with people… yaaarr… stop! stop!
)
in that sense… i sometimes sense some… how shall i put this? …”double-ness.”
you know… “read me, read me, make me feel loved, i’d like a variety of comments but not a lot of comments from the same person so that i don’t feel i’m being shadowed or hounded in some way.”
the ol’ come close till you’re too close then let me back away… which i think i do in my own way in my own world.
and where one’s feelings about… comfort level around… intimacy fit in with all this… well, hmmm… another thing to sort out, i think.
i am a teacher… and sometimes a very popular one. i have been mulling on how i don’t have enough “living breathing alive in the same room with me people who know me really well and love me.” i do have those people in my life… but i don’t have enough “face time” with them.
what i do have is lots of people who admire me… and “love” me on a certain level which is real but not “intimate.”
if i open to “receive” their energy… this is better… meaning the energy is a bit more balanced…
but… it is still not “wow, you sometimes have a very short temper and it is very annoying that you are gassy and still, you are so fun and you can drum and shout and sing and you have a beautiful smile and i really love you, gas and all.”
and that… in the end… is what most feeds me.
so… i’ve been trying to make some changes… which ironically… may lead to more computer work… which ain’t no face time!
)))))
but still… i am putting it out there to the universe… i need i see your face it is getting old and i love it love in my life.
in the meantime, i’m working on “opening to receive” the love i get from my students (who are mostly adults, by the way)…
which is tricky because there are boundary issues to deal with… eh?!
))
which brings me back to the blogging thing… sounds like bloggers have to deal with anonymity (which i always have to type twice!), celebrity, intimacy, boundary(s), but i think… rarely… invisibility…. at least not while blogging.
it is tricky… and i respect the conflicts you and other bloggers feel.
being able to read the blogs of people with whom i share something….
an experience
circumstance
way of thinking
temperment
talent
or etc.
is very helpful for me.
and if ya’ll weren’t willing to “put yourself out there” like this, i would not be able learn and benefit from it as i do.
so let me end with “thank you.”
with support,
cynthia
(how’s that for a little more visibility?
)
by the way, if i didn’t have some… circumstances… which make it unwise… i probably would blog. but life, as you know, is complicated.
September 7th, 2007 at 2:17 am
Karen, as usual, ME TOO!! Exactly….my childhood left me feeling invisible, I am still shocked when people remember or recognize me.
AND I really want attention……
you said it so much better
Seriously tho….you should look into us being twins seperated at birth except for you got all the brilliance and I got all the kids…..oh yea, you got almost as many of those too…. you got it all girl….
September 7th, 2007 at 11:10 am
I’m in the same boat, pretty much. When I started blogging, it never even occured to me that I could try to hide my identity, I just jumped out there with a big “here’s me!” and blabbered all over the place. Over time, I figured out what things I was comfortable sharing and what I wasn’t, and also what things it might be a good idea not to talk about. And as more time passed, I figured out that it was kind of liberating to blog about some of the things I’d been anxious to talk about in the past. So I still keep some things to myself, and I don’t feel bad about it, but I’ve found it feels good sometimes to share a bit more.
Still, it feels weird when one of my friends starts a conversation with “so I read on your blog that…”
September 7th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
I also understand you.
And I hope that if it was me you were talking about, you don’t feel like you’re being stalked or anything, lol. I don’t know much about blogs and their etiquette as this is the first one I’ve read.