Lion and Magic Boy

I began this post oh, about a month and a half ago, and it’s funny but things have continued to change and transform so seamlessly even since then that I’ve forgotten just how far things have come, and where they were when they began. I never posted what I began because The Evil WordPress ate half the post and I felt unable to sufficiently recreate it, but somehow now the time is right.

It’s time to talk about my divorce. I haven’t mentioned it much except in an offhand way usually or expressing my frustration about aspects of it back when I still thought no one was going to read it anyway, and I haven’t talked about it mostly because things were either in a precarious position or I wished to show respect to The Ex and to the situation, and not talking about it all was much easier than treading on eggshells.

I feel like I need to explain something. A lot of somethings, actually. In fact, I feel almost apologetic in many ways.

Two years ago and a little more, I left a marriage of ten years and moved myself, three kids, and a truckload of stuff to Colorado because there was something calling me there, some magical something in the mountains and the sunsets and the very shimmering air, something I needed. I was running too, running from ten years of difficulty and miscommunication and discomfort. I tried so very much to create my dream through that marriage, but in the end I was left feeling isolated and alone and unfulfilled with a house and three beautiful children. I wanted the magic that happens when people really connect, and it wasn’t there.

Immediately upon the move and the announcement of the divorce, any pretense at amicability went out the window, even though I had harbored hopes that they could continue and that our friendship would simply move into a different realm. I hadn’t counted on the hurt and pain apparently caused by my move. I had felt so apart, so separated from The Ex in so many ways and for so long that I truly didn’t think that our not being there any longer would make the difference that it did.

So that is the part that I wish had gone differently. Corners were claimed and the fight began. Once communication stopped, everything was based on assumption, hearsay, and other people’s opinions. What followed may have been the worst year of my life: a mixture of the highest highs at feeling free and living in a beautiful place and creating a life for my myself and my kids, with the lowest lows of incredible fear and mistrust and animosity toward and from someone I loved. And how do you turn love off like a faucet, like closing a door? Doing so creates pain that must be attended to eventually.

Months went by. Decisions were made and enforced. Hearings were attended, won and lost. Bills were paid. I was told I must move back to Pennsylvania. There were other beginnings, endings, and beginnings. I had fought and fought to maintain what I thought needed to be maintained. I had lived for and through the children for more than ten years.

I’m embarrassed when confronted, in my own mind and in these pages, with the evidence of what may have been a mischaracterization all this time. In other words, I could only see others through the lens of my own self-doubts and uncertainties.

More months went by, and spring came. I was tired of fighting, tired of resisting, tired. Tired.

At first, it was the weariness that took the fight out of me. But as I finally began to allow transformation within myself, I began to look for it in other ways. My idealism kicked in. I saw a future, bright. I felt it, I knew it. But I didn’t know how to get there. Still, I knew the way wasn’t from being a battering ram anymore. It’s the spinning, the allowing.

But how…?

I didn’t want the animosity anymore. I examined this. What, exactly, was I looking for instead? Why was I looking to change this now? I weighed the possibilities, mentally crossing things off as they were discovered to be untrue. Finally, one stood alone: that it was simply the right way to be. For the children, for me, and for The Ex.

At the same time I was becoming immersed in new wisdom that reflected so much of my life, yet I didn’t know how to apply it. The answer kept coming to me: Apply Love to the situation.

Love? Howwwwwww??

Spinning, ever spinning. Let it come. Do what feels right. Be true to yourself.

I have done all of this. I know it is right. Gone are the days when I am so uncertain of my own mind that I must borrow someone else’s to make decisions. I am choosing now.

And the outcome?

The Ex and I have been talking about ways to address the balance of issues surrounding this divorce odyssey through mediation instead of litigation. If you knew all the details of the past two years you’d know what a huge step this is. I’m overjoyed, not because I think I’ll get a better deal or even because it will cost less, but because It’s Better.

There are still issues to be weighed. The trust that should be there isn’t, not quite, but it’s close, much closer than it has been. I am still buffeted by opinions that don’t all match, and I am picking my way through them to find what’s in my heart.

And, the children are happier. The tension in their lives is lessening. Nathaniel seems almost apologetic to report that he’s having a good time with his dad now. I assure him that it’s what I want for him, for all of them. They seem happier. It’s been a rough year on them.

I’m sure there will still be issues that cause discomfort that will have to be addressed and looked at, but speaking as one who measures her life in terms of how it feels energetically, this feels good. It’s a good path to be on.

[tags]divorce, amicable divorce, mediation, children[/tags]