Well, not apathy exactly.
But something has to change. Correction: something IS changing.
Because the person I have been says, “No! That’s not enough! There’s more!”, and the “more” comes from a place I have long spent so much time and energy keeping buried because the fears about all that comes along with it.
Things happened to me when I was little that shouldn’t happen to anyone. I know it; I acknowledge it; I know it’s there. It’s all still quite hazy, but that plus a whole lot of other things that are all connected began shaping and crafting an image that developed in order to hide and protect the part that feels broken.
And through the years more images were crafted, more personas if you will, until they are all just as real now as that original but hidden part. But the feeling of an emptiness inside remains, and it is this I intend to fill by bringing through that buried part.
But my body resists this. Our bodies remember things, and hold those memories. And right now I feel the tension, can feel the fear, can feel the resistance. Which feels a lot like pain, actually.
I’m not afraid of this process, really. I know where it leads and I know what’s on the other end of it, more or less.
It has real-life consequences, though (doesn’t everything?). Yesterday I showed up for an appointment an hour early because I got confused as to the time. I am forgetting things. Oh, this is temporary, I know this, and it doesn’t worry me beyond just having to operate in the world and having that be rather inconvenient just now. Plus, all the things I normally hold myself to don’t seem to matter as much as they did. I think that’s a good thing, really, playing with what matters. Because, really, what DOES matter? Precious few things, actually, and it’s those that I’d like to give my energy to.
So it’s not apathy exactly, but more like a sifting and discarding and keeping.
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