* Breathing
0600: sleeping.
0645: sleeping.
0815: lazyass human begins to move about.
0816: food! it’s time for food!
0817: false alarm.
0818: revenge will be ours.
0819: sleeping.
0907: lazyass human gets up, stumbles to bathroom.
0908: we wait outside the door. Usually human trips over us upon exit, and that’s always good for a laugh, especially in the dark. Too bad it’s not dark now.
0917: what the fuck is human doing in there anyway?
0924: human emerges and goes downstairs. We decide this isn’t the time to wind around her legs and cause a fatal fall; better to wait until after food.
0925: WHY IS HUMAN MAKING COFFEE NOW??! FOOD! WE WANT FOOD!
0926: revenge will be ours.
0927: kibble again. Revenge will be ours.
0931: cat box needs cleaning now.
0934: sleeping.
0942: human is working on “laptop”; does she not know we are the laptop? Must rub face against this laptop multiple times and apply claws to legs several dozen times.
0944: why does human not like this? We rub our special face oils all over precious laptop and she pushes us off couch. Revenge will be ours.
0946: still kibble. Revenge will be ours.
0948: sleeping.
1114: is sleeping in an upsidedown position an invitation for a belly rub? Well, is it? Then why does human seem upset when we claw and bite? Revenge will be ours.
1156: cat box still needs cleaning. Don’t humans come equipped with a sense of smell? Eeeugh. Revenge will be ours.
1207: hello, WATER BOWL???!! Why is there not ample fresh water when we need it? Do we have to do EVERYTHING around here?
1208: revenge will be ours.
1210: you may pet us.
1211: now.
1213: that’s enough.
1215: sleeping.
1256: there’s another cat here???!
1257: just kidding.
1258: must play chase now.
1313: who said we wanted chase? Time to daintily lick paws now, pretending indifference to everything else.
1315: who said we wanted petting? Can not you see we are involved in important licking manoeuvers? Bother us another time, petty unimportant human (revenge will be ours).
1319: fur is arranged and properly fluffed; human may pay us attention now.
1320: what is this laptop? We wish attention now!
1321: revenge will be ours.
1324: sleeping.
1533: cat box STILL needs cleaning.
1534: kibble is GONE. We can only stand around looking helpful for so long.
1537: sleeping. Revenge will be ours.
1647: finally, more kibble.
1648: hold it, who said we wanted kibble?? Revenge will be ours.
1650: laptop. Eeugh.
1654: let’s go see what’s fun to play with upstairs.
1655: Legos!
1657: they’re more fun if you take them downstairs. Who wants to play??!
1700: human took our toys. Revenge will be ours.
1733: cat.box.
1745: sleeping.
1813: chase!
1840: what else can we do with claws? Oh yes, furniture.
2014: small humans seem to be sleeping. More sport downstairs. Claws. Revenge.
2058: sleeping. Must keep watch on everything.
2216: laptop. Claws. Whyyyyy??! Revenge will be ours.
2243: CAT.BOX. Revenge WILL be ours. Next time? We’ll pretend we’re using that spot by the door.
2311: humans are SO touchy about that sort of thing!
2316: sleeping.
0017: human relocating upstairs. Time to wait by the bathroom door again.
0024: what does human DO in there anyway??
0026: water running? In the bathtub? For immersion? EEEEEUUGGHH!
0057: finally. We must take our places on the bed.
0112: pretend-sleeping.
0123: is human almost asleep? Good! Time to play! Chase-on-the-bed!
0128: we hate it when she pushes us out the door and closes it.
0129: must howl. LOUD. Revenge will be ours.
0146: not howling loud enough.
0152: good, it worked. We can take our places on the bed again. We must purr very very loudly now.
0209: more purring.
0213: human hates it when we lick her hair.
0215: lick it again.
0219: revenge is sweet, non?
December 10th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Congratulations! It looks like you got the sequence exactly right there. BTW, what IS that chasing free-for-all thing that begins right at lights out time? When rear claws use my leg as a launching pad, soon followed by distinct banging and crashing sounds from other rooms.
And oh yeah…just TRY to shut that door! You KNEW that wasn’t going to work!
December 10th, 2007 at 11:38 am
Oh yes, the bed/leg-as-a-launching-pad approach. We have it here nightly.
And how come they’re all ears when you say things to them like “I love you, you’re wonderful” but when you get to the part of “and oh by the way I really hate it when you do that thing at night” they’re all, “I can’t heeeeeear yooouuuuu lalalala”?
December 10th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Mine brings feathers meowing at the top of her kitty lungs!
December 13th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
That was a _very_ good kitty post!
December 14th, 2007 at 7:19 am
I’m sure many, like me, will forward your link to the many cat people in their lives. Excellent post.