finally, coffee that doesn’t taste like ass

food, whining and complaining Add comments

Ever-conscious of your delicate sensibilities, I have been sparing you the details of my ongoing search for coffee beans that aren’t burned to a smoking black crisp, rendering them devoid of taste other than of the charred dead remains of what was (presumably) once an actual coffee bean.

Once upon a time, I got my coffee from Whole Foods. This was after a 12-year Coffee-Free-Phase, punctuated by the carefree caffeine-free taint of Several Small Children Inhabiting Parts of My Body for Months At A Time. So after 12 years of this self-denial, I decided to sow a wild oat or two and start drinking coffee again. That’ll teach ’em! Caffeine denial, PAH! So I went to Whole Foods, got the least-blackened beans they had, went home and ground them and poured hot water over them in my French press, then added sugar and cream and went ahhhh.


That’s the sound of satisfied self-indulgence.

And life was good.

So about a year ago, picking up where I left off but now not as close to Whole Foods, I searched online for Not Burnt Beans and found some. Sumatran! Himalayan! Coffee bliss!

Except, not organic. Not free trade. Not shade-grown. Not guilt-free.

I kept drinking what I had, though, eliminating the sugar and the cream and using rice milk. Still good. Still not burnt.

But the guilt.

So the search.

Undoubtedly you know of at least 11 purveyors of organic free trade shade grown coffees that aren’t burnt to the point of tasting like ass (why is this so hard?), but they are few and far between in my experience.

First place: Yes! We have “light” roast! Give us your money! We are enticing! Look!

Result: ass. Blackened, burnt ass. Liars.

Second place: Yes! Look! Mmm, the aroma, the flavor! “Light”! We can tell you anything as long as we qualify it in quotation marks! Entice! Spend! Give us money!

Result: ass. As a kid, this is what I thought coffee tasted like. Is this what most people drink, this murky bitterness?

Desperate run to the [non-Whole Foods] grocery store: Why? Why do I bother?

Result: A.S.S.

So yesterday I tricked Serena into a Food Procurement Foray, and we stopped at Whole Foods to get chocolate for Nathaniel, organic cream cheese to go with smoked salmon for Matthew, and crackers that are only sold at Whole Foods and why why why do I buy them for Eric.

And at the last minute I remembered that they have coffee there.

This morning, then, this was the sound:


You Click Because You Love Me: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages.
  • Digg
  • Bloglines
  • Furl
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon

7 Responses to “finally, coffee that doesn’t taste like ass”

  1. Ron Volkman Says:

    Wait!! You didn’t even tell us which variety you chose!

    However, before this goes any further, I must stand up and say that I love the DARK beans! The blacker the better. But as I sit, sipping and savoring the murky bitterness, I absolutely will allow that I may have been a complete fool. That’s why you MUST share your secret! It’s certainly not fair to end with an “Ahhhhhh!”, and leave us all hanging here saying, “What! What!”

    (I’m assuming, of course that this morning’s “Ahhh!” was coffee-related! Just assuming.)


  2. lightspring Says:

    It might be this one:

    It was Mexican. And organic. And not burnt. Those last two factors were what determined my choice.

    This morning’s “Ahhhh!” may have been due to a combination of factors, not the least of which was a decent cup of coffee.

  3. Baby Island Says:

    Out here on Baby Island we have the BEST organic, shade grown, specialty grade, fairly traded coffee..I adore the medium roast Papua new Guinea.

    **they deliver and have a web site… 😉

    Ahhhh is every morning at my house. Um, Just for the coffee…

  4. Whit Says:

    I like my beans to be as dark as possible and as oily as they can be. Trader Joe’s has a pretty good line of coffees that covers both of us.

  5. CocteauBoy Says:

    Well, now this is NOT helping my mission to quit drinking coffee! I’m actually thinking it’s kinda stupid for me to stop. I LIKE it and I have very few vices…

    And Wholefoods does have some good coffees. We tended toward the Sumatra, but like Ron, I like dark, too, and I don’t know if it’s a New York City thing, but I love Espresso, too.

    For all the most excellent coffees in the world that I can get, I still have not figured out why a quick dive into a corner bodega here in New York on a brisk, chilly day can get you THE BEST cup of coffee on the planet. I swear!

    I take mine “Black, Three Sugars.” (that’s the way you have to order it in the delis, otherwise a “regular” is milky and sweeter)

    Fun post!

  6. mike Says:

    Yummy and never burnt. Even the French and Italian Roasts. And seriously, how could you possibly turn down a coffee called “Rise Again”? COME ON.

    They do ship, but you have to call to order. Of course, you could also find a benevolent Canadian friend to send you some. Ahem.

  7. flowergurl281 Says:

    Iam a new reader to your blog.

    I doubt its organic or not burnt but I’m really enjoying peets coffee right now.

ALL MATERIAL COPYRIGHT LightSpring Transformations/Lion and Magic Boy 2002-2008