So I’ve been vacationing in Ontario, Canada’s Vast Frozen Vacation Wonderland, for the past few days. Actually, Matthew and I drove up to the Niagara area to see an old friend of his there.
Yes, we saw Niagara Falls. Hey! That’s a lot of water! And it was really really cold! Good thing my camera either froze or melted, I forget which, because after a minute and a half and one photo we went back inside. A lot of water! And not very many tourists! But inside was warmer. And had benches.
Matthew: Hey, I can feel the falls from here! Through my butt! Woo!
Me: Me too! Let’s just stay here!
Oh, and the Niagara region is full of little wineries, and you can drive down the river from the falls and stop at the zillions of wineries along the way. It’s quite beautiful, and feels a lot like France where you can drive and drive and stop at every freaking little winery through a whole region and spend hours doing this. Many of the Niagara wineries sell ice wine, which I really like. But virtually all of the wineries were closed for the season and we had to content ourselves with the enticing little road signs every few feet announcing yet another delectable winery filled with [unattainable] delectable wine.Â Fun!
Oh! And we stayed in a very nice restored mansion where they let people sleep and all and throw breakfasts the size of Rhode Island at them in the morning. It was quite nice having people bring us coffee and fruit and croissants. And stuff. The only problem was that apparently the place was built in the Stone Age or something (or 1800′s, maybe), and completely lacked wireless anything.
So we had to compete to plug our respective laptops into the one cord-thingy attached inconveniently to an actual wall.
Mostly we thumbwrestled for this honor and I used my power of the Reproachful Glance and once we decided to naked mudwrestle for it but got distracted when the sunken tub was finally full of mud. After all, who cares about the interweb when you’ve got real, actual mud?
Oh, and you know what else they have there in Ontario’s Frozen Winter Wonderland? Bowling! Woo! So we went bowling. Except some pins were missing and the balls were tiny and lacked holes. Weird! And I almost won, and I could have won, but it seemed like a better idea to come in last, so I did that. Here’s how you play:
My Body: Oooo! Exercise!
Me: What do mean, “exercise”? This is “5-pin bowling”!!
My Body: Feels like bending and stretching to me.
Me: So what? It’s not exercise, trust me.
My Body: Ha! You’ll feel this tomorrow! [snickers]
Me: Then the least you could do is stop dropping the damn ball early. Can’t you handle a 5-lb ball? See those pins? The ball is supposed to actually hit them and make them fall!
My Body: I CAN’T HEAR YOUUUUUU! LALALALALA!