Uh, I’m not sure I actually believe the rest of that phrase, actually: la plus c’est la meme chose. To me, things are always changing and never staying the same.
I alluded a while ago about issues with my mom. Essentially (and there is much more to say than this), I am tired of the old family regime of never talking about anything other than the most shallow of topics. With my mom the topics are my kids, my court issues/divorce (aka The Neverending Story), my cat(s), her cats. Safe topics. Venture outside that framework and someone (not me) changes the subject. Yesterday I spoke to her for the first time in weeks. It was shallow. I worked on tweaking the header on my site update while we talked (always my way of not noticing the avoidance of anything real has been to engage myself in something else while we talked). Then I told her something about another member of the family, something I think so far only I (of the family) knew about.
“You mean ____ doesn’t know?” she asked.
“No. I don’t think so.”
“Well, ____ should know,” she said.
“I know, but it’s not my decision,” I replied, thinking all the while then why did you tell Mom, you idiot?
She wanted to contact the other member of the family and relay the information. For the first time ever, I told her that under no condition was she to do that, that the information belonged to the first person and that I regretted telling her, and that we aren’t even a family “like that” anymore, not since my parents’ divorce, hello, close to thirty years ago, and that it was none of her business at this point. And to stay out of it. And that I would be very, very angry with her if she told anyone.
I’ve never talked to either parent like that before. It felt totally weird but kind of good.
It was like I came out of the I’m-the-kid-and-you’re-the-parent dynamic and became Just Me. I’m 44 fucking years old and it’s about time.
March 10th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
What is it with some mothers? Mine never wants to “get in the middle” when, in fact, she should! And involves herself when she should not! Now she’s suffering from Alzheimers so we’ll never resolve the issues b/c even if we do, she’ll just forget!
March 10th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
So ok, I get your point about your mom, mine is very similar, except she never gets involved, with anything personally. She just can’t keep a seceret, she enjoys stirring the pot, turning up the heat and walking out while it boils over.
The thing is, why do we (daughters like you and me) keep telling our mothers things that should be kept secret?
I wish I knew.