I’m living smack in the middle of the Middle Ages.Â Everyone knows that scarlet fever went out of fashion hundreds of years ago.
Except I must have superpowers of bringing back dead diseases.Â Things were too boring around here anyway.Â Plague, anyone?
My tattooed torso is covered with sunburny redness. Also my neck and earlobes. Arms. Okay, my entire skin hurts and feels two sizes too small. All because Typhoid Eric is a veritable petri dish and likes to get close and breathe streptocacaprophylactic on everyone.
Let me tell you about scarlet fever.Â The number one thing to know about it is that it’s highly contagious.Â I could breathe near you right now and you would be swallowing shards of glass within 3 days and wondering why your skin hurts within 5.Â Guaranteed.Â Also.Â You need drugs for this.Â The kind that kills off those little warring feudal sonsabitches in your throat before they start invading other places like your kidneys.Â Scarlet fever is related to strep throat, the thing that the pediatrician sticks a long long q-tip down your kid’s throat for (I seriously want a pack of those q-tips; they look useful).
[was trying to insert a joke having to do with Nathaniel Hawthorne and The Scarlet Letter but I couldn't quite put it together, so pretend that I did and you got the joke and now you're laughing companionably, pleased with yourself because of your fondness for jokes made from obscure literary references]
1. Since losing custody of health insurance I have been to the doctor 34 times as frequently as when I actually had health insurance.
2. Ow. Hurty throat hurt. Can’t talk.
I used to get strep on two major holidays a year and while growing up could be counted on to make Easter and Thanksgiving extra special. It became no particular big deal to anyone after awhile (except me) and after doing that for a few years and especially after being confined to the couch for an entire mono-ridden month of my 4th grade year, having nothing to entertain me but Dick Van Dyke and Andy Griffith and a box of Red Vines (plus the whole colored fairy tale book series by Andrew Lang), I suddenly stopped being sick anymore.
So this thing of fever and throat issues and especially antibiotics is a little foreign to me. I wonder if they bled me enough? I was serious about the leeches; it’s hard to get really good quality leeches these days.
My eyelids itch now.
Oh, and I breathed all over my laptop so don’t get too close to your screen there. Sorry!