Lion and Magic Boy

And I now am completely sure where the term “headbanger” came from.

(If only I could get the refrain to “Nothing Else Matters” out of my head now.)

Seriously, if there had been enough of a crowd he would have surfed it, that boy. As it was he weaved all over the livingroom in his particular way of dancing, pausing from time to time to shake his fists menacingly at the crowd in time to the beat.

Next week: the tattoo. Oh, and he definitely needs to grow his hair longer. And maybe the diapers should go at some point?

Today I spent some time hearing some of the music from my past. Music has the magical ability to evoke whole eras in one’s earlier life, whole perceptions and experiences, acting as a pathway to the you that you were once. It does for me, anyway. Sometimes I find I have undergone so much transformation that a particular piece no longer acts on me in the same evocative manner, no longer triggers memories, visualizations, and feelings that belonged to me in an earlier time, but more often than not I find myself transported, at least momentarily, across time to certain periods of my life that seem significant to reopen later on.

That’s what happened today. The era? The early 1990′s. Sure, I paint time backward in bright stunning colors, likely brighter and with far less pain than the original, but something in me today was really reaching out to that particular time in my life, reaching to the person I was then, reaching to all the possibilities that existed within me then. This was before meeting The Ex, before Nathaniel and Serena and Eric, before moving to Colorado and back again. Before. I was driving a lot for my job then, driving from one location to another, driving the spaces between when I’d have to don my Manager Hat again and become the identity I thought I had to be to get the job done, and in that driving time I lost myself in the music, immersed myself in finding new roads and pathways in it, new ways of expression.

I was struck today by the number of possibilities I remembered from that time, remembered now but that went unappreciated at the time, unappreciated since I was bent on paring them down quickly to one, one road ahead, straight ahead with no turning back, no turning aside, no stopping to look. Life for me can be like that at times, as often I have jumped onto a seeming fast-moving belt hurtling in one direction only, one direction with no turns, no bends, no stops, just onward to that destination experience.

I’d like to stop more now if I can, not out of caution but from a desire to enjoy the process, to enjoy the path rather than fixate on the ending. I’d like to think too that these paths aren’t simply one-way anymore, that they have lovely curves and twists and often even revisit some of the same places, places that of course look and feel different each time they are visited.

Touching that music today reinforced my desire to step onto a certain path, a path I’ve been tentatively reaching a toe to in the past year. I don’t know where the path leads, not exactly. I’m not even sure what places it passes on its way, but there’s something about it that calls to me, calls ever-strongly, unceasingly. It calls with music, it calls with touch, it calls me with everything that so much of me cries out for, all those long-released possibilities that lay dormant all those intervening years while I explored other paths, those possibilities that I touched again, recognized instantly through the magic of music. They’re not the same as they once were, those possibilities, as I can never look at anything the same way I once did when I saw it for the first time, but in the meantime those possibilities have grown and have become far larger than I ever imagined them when they were new, and it’s those I reach toward now, those that are part of the path that I am about to step onto, about to grab hold of, about to place my trust in.

Last night’s bike ride was a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of bugs. It wasn’t quite the pelting bug-hail I’ve experienced before, but I noticed afterward that there were three or four stuck to me between my, um, chestal area. And if you’ve seen my chestal area, which most of you haven’t, you’d know that there’s not really enough of it to qualify as having a “between”. So why the bugs were nestled there, apparently working their way down the neck of my jersey, I don’t know.

However! Here’s my playlist from the ride. Well, the parts I can remember, anyway. I’d love to post actual links to actual clips you could listen to, but I have no idea how to do that. Maybe someone can enlighten me. I imagine it has something to do with uploading to my host, but since I have no idea what that actually means, you’ll have to content yourself with YouTube! What did we do before YouTube!. I posted once about what was on my iPod, but the collection has grown somewhat. I think I may be using, what, 5% of my allotted space now? Anyway.

1. “Crazy“, Alanis Morrisette
I love this song! And it’s perfect for bike riding, with a great rhythm.

2. “Back to Black“, Amy Winehouse
Two angry women in a row, what is this telling me? There really aren’t many role models for women effectively expressing anger in our society, and I’ve really only found them through music. I think that the emotions in this song belie the words: this woman’s pissed.

3. “The Reason“, Hoobastank
Last November-December, I was relating so strongly to this song. I felt that everything in a relationship was my fault, that I could fix it by changing, by becoming a “better” person. Well, hell. You can certainly want to change, become more true to yourself, but like anything else, it only works if you want to do it for yourself, NOT for someone else. I so want to tell this guy that.

4. “Life is Beautiful“, Vega4
This video’s my plug on the environment, by the way.

I find this one really uplifting, although I mainly listen to the way it sounds when I ride, and I’m usually lost in my own thoughts.

5. “Black Tambourine“, Beck
Oooh! This is great for cycling, and makes me want to ride faster. Which is what my dad would want me to do, as he’s advocating I obtain a bike computer with a heart rate monitor, so I know when I’m “goofing off.” Thanks, Dad, but I know when I’m goofing off without the heart rate monitor: when I’m actually breathing, I’m obviously not working hard enough. See? And I can save the $200, or spend it on blogging conventions I don’t attend.

6. “Trusted“, Ben Folds
Clearly an unofficial video. But the best of what’s out there.

Trust. That’s a sticky issue for a lot of people. I’ve been on both sides of the equation: I’ve been in situations where people didn’t trust me, and I have felt a lack of trust for others. It really all boils down to one thing, though: FEAR. When you have a lack of trust in a relationship, it’s without a doubt because of a response to fear and a lack of confidence in the self. If you felt completely confident about your own worth, you’d have no reason to doubt the other person or the strength of the relationship, would you? An inherent lack of trust can undermine a relationship and create an energy imbalance that’s impossible to continue correcting.

7. “Heaven“, Live
So again, I don’t know all the words to this one, but hello? Finding heaven in the sunset? That speaks to me, pagan that I am.

8. “Naked As We Came“, Iron & Wine
Oh, here we go from heaven to death. Yay!

This one has complete vulnerability, which is why I love it. Even though I find being vulnerable very difficult. And it says something too about the rhythms of life; so many of us are afraid to talk about death, and here it is. Beautiful.

9. “No Second Chance“, Blackmore’s Night
I mentioned this one before; at the time is was incredibly freeing. I had something from which I felt a need, at the time, to liberate myself from. I’m pretty much done with that now but we still like the song. Serena, especially, loves to sing to it. I’d love to know what her connection to it is, how it speaks to her. There’s a force when she sings it, as if she too is pushing something away, ending a chapter.

10. “Clocks“, Coldplay
About a year ago I was beginning to find my rhythm in riding. I remember hearing this when I first graduated from riding paved bike trails (they have those in Colorado! Imagine! A special place for cyclists!) to road riding, and almost became roadkill. But I kept riding, and this song propelled me through. It does have a compelling beat, doesn’t it?

11. “The Luckiest“, Ben Folds
No video, but you’ve got the music. Enjoy!

Hands down, this is my favorite song. Ever. Since last August when I discovered it. At the time, I so wanted to share it with someone, someone who would Get It. The song speaks to me of reincarnation, of recognition, of knowing you have made a connection that spans lifetimes and centuries.

I listened to it last month while gazing into eyes that mirrored my own in unspoken understanding. When the song ended, there was no need to say anything; everything had already been expressed through the mutual experience with the music.

I was having that thought while hearing the music on my ride, composing this post in my head, and that thought ended just as the song did. Right at the moment, a deer bounded out of the green undergrowth at the side of the road ahead of me and leaped across the road. Not 20 feet in front of me. Its coat was bright red-gold against the dark, intense green of the woods.

Do I believe in signs? Why, yes I do. The deer is one of my totem animals.

12. “Landed“, Ben Folds
Yet another Ben Folds song? What are the odds!

I never noticed the play on words here: “landed.” Refers both to arriving on an airplane and finding one’s place in life.

13. “Cruel“, Calexico
There’s not a huge emotional connection with this song yet as it’s fairly new to my mix, but I like the way it sounds.

14. “Teardrop“, Massive Attack
I came to this song through watching “House” a few times. Someone told me how alike they were, themselves and this character. There’s a lot of pain there, for sure. Tortured pain with a sense of humanity. But sometimes pain is a mask for what’s really there, a refusal to acknowledge the inner self.

I’ve moved on from that association to a large extent and enjoy the interplay of the light voice over the deep rhythmic beat of the music. And it’s a great cadence to ride to, especially on a slight hill.

15. “Forever For Her (Is Over For Me)“, The White Stripes
Not the official video, but some clever (albeit simple) animation.

I had the misbegotten impression that this group was Canadian, which allowed my thoughts to launch into a whole Canadian thing, but now I found I was wrong in my assumption; they’re from Detroit. Is that close enough? Damn. Can we still talk Canadian here? I only wanted to observe that I’m a little perplexed as to the strength of my Canadian readership. After all, I’ve only met one, well, two, of my regular Canadian readers, so what’s up with the rest of you? What’s the attraction here? I’m not all that polite, so what is it? If you can enlighten me I’d be obliged.

16. “Mr. Blue Sky“, Electric Light Orchestra
Well, this one’s fun, isn’t it? You like anime? What’s up with the missing front teeth? Seriously, though, this one doesn’t have a lot of emotional connection for me either, except reminding me of the late 70′s. Which was a long time ago indeed. I have another ELO song in the mix somewhere that I used to run to when I had a treadmill, and oddly every time I heard it I thought of a particular friend of mine. I have no idea why.

17. “Save Tonight“, Eagle Eye Cherry
Getting tired now; I went around my loop a second time. Do you care? It’s a nice song, though. Yay the 90′s!

18. “Walking on the Sun, Smashmouth
Speaking of the 90′s what about this? This song used to make me feel like kickboxing: again with the channeled anger. I was thinking to load it onto Nathaniel’s iPod, though my version is marked “explicit”, but I have as of yet been unable to find the word(s) that rendered it so, unless it’s “crap”? In which case I think we’re okay.

19. “Your Song“, Elton John
The day my older brother invited me to sing this song while he played the guitar still stands out in my memory, and likely that’s a reason why it’s remained a favorite for me. I worshiped him. Still do! And I’m not saying that because he’s a reader, in fact knowing that makes saying it a little weird. Hi Eric!

TOMORROW: What’s in my refrigerator?