Lion and Magic Boy

1. Evidently/apparently

2. Seriously/totally

3. Annoying/annoyed.

Evidently I am annoyed, like, a LOT. Seriously! Apparently I find that totally annoying.

By the way, it’s not like I haven’t been doing ANYTHING lately. I wrote about rest here. And here, I pine whine for balance. Whatever. Oh, and I had something to do with this piece on compassion. And if you’re going to read that, you should read this too, since it’s Part II.

Other than that, it’s been All Croup, All The Time around here. And Nathaniel consumed three chocolate-covered coffee beans yesterday afternoon before inquiring as to what it was he was eating, and was up AT LEAST until 1:30 last night. Er, this morning. And I am out of coffee, which as you can imagine is a Dire Situation, one that requires Immediate Correction. Oh, and today was Wacky Wednesday at Serena’s school and she went to school with her hair in three ponytails, one hanging down over her face and two with pencils stuck in them.

And then she asked if anyone would notice.

Yes, I am a total nerd and I am amused by stuff like this, especially since I missed National Talk Like a Pirate Day (aaaargh!). One of my favorite books is “Eats, Shoots, and Leaves.”

Besides, we all needed something to lighten things up around here.

Taking the vaccum cleaner in for repairs now, bye!

P.S. Help stop comma abuse, please! (don’t get me “started” on quotation marks…)

[tags] National Punctuation Day, National Talk Like a Pirate Day, silly things[/tags]

Oops. Apparently I’ve left a few things hanging here. Stones left unturned. Or maybe partially turned, I don’t know, because the metaphor doesn’t seem to be working.

At any rate, my apologies to those of you who have been hanging on my every word, not for the actual act of course of hanging on my every word, which is the thing I adore about you the most, but mostly for the fact that I have neglected to close parentheses, to close comments, uh, I mean to bring certain open-ended situations to a close.

Something like that. Yeah.

Anyway. Let’s go back to Vancouver, shall we? No wait, let’s go even farther back to the day when I suddenly had to squint because someone stole the sunglasses right out of my pocket I may have inadvertantly dropped my sunglasses while grocery shopping. Remember that? Well, then fast forward to Vancouver, where I did the exact same thing. Same thing. This after having dropped more than $100 on a replacement. Matthew pointed out that in Vancouver people don’t need sunglasses because it’s just not that bright there, and while I could agree about that I don’t actually live in Vancouver, plus I was still miffed that some Chinese-grocery-store-shopper-person was now enjoying my sunglasses.

I have a new pair now. The other ones were kind of big, anyway. These are much, much better, and I have had them actually welded to my face so I can never never lose them. Ever. Nope. Its a little hard to sleep that way but it’s worth it knowing I will NEVER LOSE THESE.

I was in the grocery store today, was actually in two of them because the kids were coming back today from being at House of Ex for a few days and I figured they’d like something else to eat besides air, which is what I’ve been eating all week. I did two things of especial note and unprecedentd grace in the grocery store:

1. The cheese guy kind of smiled at me so I thought I’d be all cool and all and drag the shopping cart casually behind me when I left the deli counter in case anyone was looking, which was great until I caused a sucking chest wound by ramming the cart into my ankle (don’t ask me how that can cause a sucking chest wound, it just can). And now there is quite the bruise/gash on my ankle. And I may have said the word “fuck”. In the store. Out loud.

2. When I was exiting the store, only limping slightly, there was an extreeeeemlyyy slooooooooww old guy in front of me. Way slow. I became one with the snails for several minutes and tried not to follow too closely. But I rear-ended him anyway, having looked down just for a second, failing to notice that he had braked suddenly for someone else. I’m not sure he was even aware I had hit him, though, because although I apologized profusely from behind him he never turned around, not even to turn me to stone with a withering glance.

OK. Moving on.

Remember my trip to Colorado week before last? Just beforehand, I was worried about the, uh, output of my ass-cork cat. I know this has been keeping you awake at night, so I want to report that evidently he had no problems in my absence.

Whew! Sigh of relief, I know. And you can go get some sleep now. You’re welcome.

And the Wild Hot Tub Orgy in Colorado? Was pretty tame. Sorry. Though I did come out from changing my clothes, clad in my bathing suit and ready to disappear into the hot tub, when someone spotted me and said, “YOU’RE SKINNY!”

Wow, totally made my day. I said something semi-deprecating, and then he said, “NO REALLY, HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH, A HUNDRED?”

“Um, not quite,” smiling a little, feeling like this was getting weird. Or was he joking?

“NO, I MEAN IT, HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?”

I told him. I didn’t have any choice; he was going to keep on until I did.
“REALLY, I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT! YOU’RE SKINNY!”

Dude. You’ve seen me in clothes. Did you think I’d look all that different from that? But dude. I heart you! Can I take you home with me and will you live next to my mirror that’d be just swell thanks.

The trip to Colorado itself was wonderful. Wonderful in a very different way than the previous trip, to Vancouver. Intense, though. And we got quite a bit accomplished. Writing a book, yay! And I got a nice little sunburn (I had forgotten about the sun at 9000 feet.) And, well, that’s another post. But with photos!

A few weeks ago I wrote a post up at Strollerderby about an alphabet based on color. It sounded really cool and like something I could relate to. I have always corresponded colors to letters, and to all sorts of things: days of the week, numbers, names, certain words. If I thought about it, I suppose everything verbal would have a color associated with it, but generally I turn off that option when processing information.

So imagine my surprise and pleasure when I heard personally from the guy who designed and developed the color alphabet!

Well, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised, being all famous and a rock star now the way I am.

And then I re-read my post and found that I had sort of almost made light of his creation. Oops. I really thought his alphabet was great, but I was dubious about its usefulness to others, simply because people are typically resistant to new ways of doing things. And I said so, but in a sort of snarky way. But he didn’t seem to take that personally and was really friendly and helpful…just a guy excited about something he created and wanting other people to enjoy it too. Artists are like that.

We got an atlas the other day. I wrote another post not long ago about a new children’s atlas and I started reminiscing about hours spent as a child lying on the livingroom floor flipping through the huge atlas we had. Nathaniel was ready for that since he’s already been making me quiz him on world capitals from his globe. It’s a huge book, weighs more than Eric. I have no idea where we’ll keep it, but it’ll have many uses, I’m sure: flower press, weight training, door stop…

Last night, late, I heard anguished sounds coming from Nathaniel’s room. I went in, and the light was still on. That’s not much of a surprise since he regularly falls asleep with it on (it must be my job to turn it off, because I do, every night). He was hopping up and down next to his bed, face screwed up in pain. His iPod fell from his ears. I had the impression he had a cramp. In his foot maybe? Leg? I kept asking, but all he did was groan and hop up and down. He wouldn’t let me touch him. Then he abruptly lay down on the floor and closed his eyes, clearly asleep within 3 seconds.

Weird? Um, yes. But he’s been doing that kind of thing for years.

I had a dream sort of like that once. I had just begun a really stressful job that I took extremely seriously and it inhabited my entire being: daytimes, nighttimes, 24/7. I was in the midst of trying to hire people to get fully staffed, and it was an arduous process. One night I awoke to find myself standing in the middle of the room, holding my hand out that was (I thought) holding something. In my dream I had been about to use a copy machine and was holding someone’s hiring information to copy.

Did I tell you? I had some more thoughts recently relating to personal power. I’ve realized that I’ve been giving power away by being in fear over what others could potentially do, which caused me to want to do something in response. But defensiveness doesn’t work. Resistance doesn’t work. Not when there’s someone bent on applying aggression. Realizing this, at first I felt powerless. I knew what I had been doing wasn’t working, but I didn’t know what to do instead. Now I see it: by not resisting, you can allow the other person’s energy to carry them up, over, and back down again. Meaning that it will expend itself before it can really harm you.

It’s kind of a frightening concept, though, because you do have to allow yourself vulnerability. So imagine the very worst-case scenario that you can and live with that possibility for awhile. Realizing that “everything will always be okay” (my mantra for years: why did I abandon that one?) and that things do develop as they need to, releases the need to manage the situation. Remembering, too, that no one can take anything away from you unless you give them that power, helps too.

So I may still be knocked off balance from time to time, but I remember now that I always come back to center. And within that center is my own personal core of power, which we all have access to at all times. And my inner strength is far superior to anything anyone can throw at me, because like you, I have access to all the power in the Universe at all times. Power through aggression is self-limiting, fed only by negative thoughts and emotions, but the power of the Universe comes from Love, which is greater than everything.

I can credit Nathaniel for clearing up what has been a mystery to me lo these many years as he walks around singing, quite tunefully I might add, along to songs like “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da.” I always wondered why a rafter would be so happy, perhaps just being allowed to be in the marketplace, to observe from on high (where most rafters do tend to reside, being as they are parts of roofs), but didn’t think to question it. After all, we’re talking The Beatles here.

ahem.

“Ever after.” Right. Oh.

1. Serena, Eric, and I don’t come anywhere close to consuming a large pizza together.

2. A cat who insists on being let into the [closed] garage despite protests and a narrow miss will eventually let someone know they are ready to come back in.

3. A seven-year-old cannot reach everything in the washing machine.

4. Brown rice sticks to everything, especially when spread about by an enthusiastic three-year-old wielding a spoon.

5. Cats don’t like pizza.

6. A load of laundry put in the dryer near bedtime takes longer to dry than one done during the day.

7. One or more cats will use the cat box right after it’s been cleaned.

8. No one can resist a little boy who likes to give hugs.

Yes, kids, it’s that time again. Time to roll out and mock the search terms that people have used to stumble across Lion and Magic Boy. Is your Mocking Hat on? Good, then let’s go:

1. neighbor parks right by my driveway

I know, I know, I can relate. But what can you do? Short of letting the air out of their tires. Which I don’t recommend.

2. english schoolgirls

Hmm, that’s a litle vague. Could you be more specific? I mean, if you Googled “hot english schoolgirls”, we’d know what you were looking for. But maybe you’re searching about “famous english schoolgirls”, which has a whole different spin. Next time, narrow down that search a little, willya?

3. naked magic schoolbus

See what a difference? Specific.

4. air mattress ikea

I’m pretty sure I told you they don’t have those there. Good luck.

5. poop catapult

Now we’re talking.

6. boy enema

I’m appalled at the sheer number of people searching for this. What are you people thinking? Wait, I don’t want to know.

7. cat accidentally pooping in house

We had that happen here yesterday, so I totally understand. What do you do when stuff sticks to your fur? I am so glad I’m not a cat.

8. clumping cat litter in toilet

I can understand your concern.

9. clean up dog poop in yard

I wholeheartedly agree. Won’t you be my neighbor?

10. dog poops all over yard

See #9.

11. clean magic erasers being pulled

Huh??

12. how to build a model catapult that throws at least 15 feet

15 feet? Why not go for 20 while you’re at it?

13. lady who look to give boys enemas & cat

No, no, and no. Just no. Go away.

14. magic fingers and magic toes

Now YOU I like! You may stay.

15. asleep lolling nap

Like on an airplane. That little head-jerk that reminds you that you’ve been sitting there with your mouth open, drooling a little on your tray table. Fabulous, and thanks for reminding me about those moments.

16. poetry on farewell to college

Awwww. Care to share?

17. BIG PICTURES OF THINGS THAT LIONS EAT

Why do the pictures have to be BIG? And why do you speak in ALL CAPS? (SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT’S LIKE SHOUTING!)

18. moms fuck

Why yes, they do. Which is how you got here in the first place. So you may go thank your mom now.

19. lion that does anything you tell it

I want one of those too.

20. magic blinking light

Ooh, pretty!

21. be careful what you wish for

Indeed. Not as a threat, but as a reminder. Be specific, and you’ll eventually end up with everything you need and desire. Which is what I hope for each and every one of you.

I’m pretty sure they don’t mean the actual color. Because that would be kind of, well, ew.

By the way, this seems to explain why I can’t write a cohesive sentence:

Your Brain is Purple

Of all the brain types, yours is the most idealistic. You tend to think wild, amazing thoughts. Your dreams and fantasies are intense. Your thoughts are creative, inventive, and without boundaries. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking of fictional people and places – or a very different life for yourself.

[From Mommy Life]

[tags]quizzes, brain, colors[/tags]

It’s not a good feeling, knowing that there is someone watching you.

Eyeing your every move, almost.

Waiting.

Judging.

Stalking.

This is my life, recently.

I know he is watching me, even now. He tracks my movements.

It’s disconcerting, to say the least.

More than annoying. Way more.

It’s really kind of scary, because it seems sometimes like he comes from nowhere.

And there he is.

So it’s clear he’s been watching me.

In fact, I expect him to make an appearance almost any time now.

It happens almost without my noticing it, he’s that good at it.

But all of a sudden there’ll be a cat in my lap. And there he is. Claws and all. My sleek black stalker.

[tags]stalking, stalked, cats [/tags]

Today Nathaniel and Serena went snow tubing with The Ex while I stayed home with Mr. Talk to the Hand, the child who would not eat and apparently has been spending some time with the Diarrhea Fairy (the explosive sound in the diaper is a dead giveaway).

I wrote about snow tubing not long ago on Strollerderby; would you like to see? Oh. Damn. I think I’ve already linked to that one. Well, how about this one, about cookie-cutter parents? Sorry about that. I’ve been writing about Britney Spears! And Michael Jackson! And American Idol! all things I never dreamed in a million years I’d be writing about, much less getting paid for it! (and I can feel the brain cells dying off, jumping ship)

(It’s actually kind of fun though, like in college when I situated myself with a couple of friends by the entrance to the cafeteria and we’d just talk about everyone who came in, making up lives for them if we didn’t know them.)

I do have dreams about my writing, though, and one day you shall see their fruit, I promise.

So remember a while ago when I told you that my mom has been reading my blog? Well, she still reads it. And that’s totally okay, because what I didn’t say at the time was that My Mom Is Cool. No, really! She goes to me after we talked about what I wrote about, the shock and all of finding that she’s been reading my blog, and she goes, well, whispers, actually, “You know, I say the f-word too.”

No, really!

She really is cool. What I like is that somehow I have transcended all the mom-and-daughter stuff I carried around with me, and now when we talk it’s like just talking to another person with whom I happen to share a lot of memories. Not momly at all. I had no idea this would ever happen, but I can say right now that I am in favor of it.

Now I have to work on my dad.